Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Personal Side

So, I was reading Hilary's blog the other day about how her little boy had a helmet when he was little and how her little girl might need one too. She shared her feelings about the whole situation and I thought she was very brave. I consider myself a private person when it comes to somethings and it's hard for me to share sometimes because I worry about saying the wrong thing or what people will think about me. Tonight I decided to try and sideline those fears and just type.

I'm tired. Sometimes I have such a hard time staying home all day and being a mom. I hate feeling that way because if something ever happened to my girls I know I would be SO SO sad. Sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my patience and I have to take a step back so I don't do something stupid. How do I turn the days into something better than diapers and laundry? My attitude, I guess.

I'm very grateful for Jason's job. I know that we are very blessed in such a tuff economy. I hate that he is always gone. I know it's tax season...four more weeks to go. Jason is my rock and when he is gone my anxiety gets higher and higher. Is it possible that Jordyn likes him more than me? When he is not here she asks for him all day. I wonder if she asks for me when I'm gone?

Jason and I are primary teachers at church. I feel bad that I'm not excited each week to prepare a lesson and teach kids, who are so willing to learn, the gospel. I'd rather go to nursery with Jordyn or Relief Society and learn something for myself. I try to be excited. I'm just not. Sometimes I'd almost rather stay home with my family then go to church. Boy I need an attitude adjustment in the church department, huh?

I love spring. I love watching everything turn green. I love the smell of the air in the night, even if the only reason I'm breathing it is because I'm outside letting the dog use the grass. I love the new stroller we bought because I can go on walks with the girls. I love when Jason goes on some of those walks with us.

It's hard to take both of my kids to the grocery store.
I have to run and jump on my bed when I'm home alone because the monster under there will get me if I'm not careful.
I'm a germ freak.
I'm trying to find the motivation to go on a diet, but I like food too much.
I worry way to much about the future and not enough about the here and now.
I get depressed easily.
It's 11:55 pm and I'm waiting for Jason to come home, but probably will be asleep when he gets here.

I'm not sure what the point of all of this was. I guess it's nice to know that I'm human and I don't need to be perfect all the time. It's not about the cleanest house or kids. I just need to remember that sometimes.


Diana and Fam said...

You just described how I feel most days. Its hard and some days are harder than others. My friend was having a hard time too and she told me it made a huge difference by just saying her morning prayer. I tried it (I am kinda bad at the morning prayer) and it worked. My day was easier and went alot smoother. Hang in there it gets easier as the kids get a little older. And of course once it is warmer that will help too. I can't wait to start going on walks (just to get out of the house) again!

Katy said...

I have felt all those same things (even about church and wishing I could just stay home). I'd be kind of surprised to hear from any mom that they haven't felt that way. It's funny how fast feelings can switch from "This is the best time of my life and I LOVE being a mom" to "This is miserable and I would like to do something different now please." Anyway, thanks for posting. Let me know when you want to play next!

p.s. I'm very willing to watch your kids if you want a break.

Stefanie said...

Vent away my dear! Sometimes it just feels good to write/type it all out. It helps (me) put things into perspective. And don't feel bad about he primary thing!! I totally understand it.

The Shelley Family said...

Big (((HUGS))) to you Sara! ALOT of women feel the way you do...
Some days are darn hard to be a Mom...esp when you are dealing with 2 very little (very cute) kids. I have a book u have GOTTA read! Its called "toss the guilt and catch the joy"
IF ya have the time (or desire) to read...u can have it anytime! lol
Hang in there...and remember that "this too shall pass". Any woman who claims to be perfect and loves every aspect of everything is a dang that is my tidbit of wisdom for the day :)
(seriously u should read this book)
Love Ya